Hard to bear

Everything recently is just like a slap in the face reminding me that I suck. Inspiration stories become fairytales and well meaning do-not-despair words of encouragement are overused.

It's been almost a week since regatta ended, but I'm still suffering from the post regatta hangover. Kudos to the seniors, who did extremely well during the race. Yay, we're national champions! No wait, they're national champions... I'm just a bloody supporter. Fuggit.

The hurt and disappointment of not being able to row is really hard to bear. Especially knowing that for the past few months, I've been busting my ass real hard just for that race. And realizing that all the self inflicted pain and sacrifices I made amounted to nothing in the end.

That was supposed to be my virgin race and I wanted it real bad. It meant alot to me. And I felt so helpless, just standing there watching my teammates getting onto the boat for the race. I can't put my finger to it, it just feels really shitty. And I apologise to those who saw me tearing the other day. I'm a wuss, but I just couldn't help it.

I'm tired of busting my ass every other day, and of course demoralised. But I'm still trying, because I've come such a long way and giving up is not an option.

I really hope the optimism is here to stay. Mark my word, I'm gonna work doubly triply quadriply whateverly hard and earn my seat on the boat.